The Gifts of Tragedy

Last Thursday I headed out the door of my apartment to catch my bus, had an accident, fell flat on my back and landed on my head! Suddenly my head throbbed, ears rang in rhythm to the throbbing, laid sideways on the concrete sidewalk, while my belongings were strewn across the grass. Total disbelief at how I ended up on the ground, clutching my head to heal the pain and angry at the driver who had turned away and didn't see me fall. Naturally the driver was in shock and tried to help me while bombarding me with questions...Do I want to stay home? or go to my appointment? Do I want medical treatment? I didn't know what that meant, but assumed it was an ambulance trip to the nearest hospital.

Finally, after some confused discussion and some muddleheaded advice from the dispatcher, the driver took me to urgent care at a local clinic that I go to. I sat in the waiting room and did Reiki on myself, to the driver and a passenger who happened to be on board and came out to assist. The nurses were surprised my vital signs were normal, doctor didn't see any bruising or bleeding. Aside from being slightly dazed, some head soreness, and brief leg spasms, I felt fine. Although, I was told to have my sister wake me every 2 hours during the night as well as watching out for nausea/vomiting, bleeding, fever, convulsions....

Such is the state of things here in Moreno Valley and the continuing saga of my current challenge. Healing myself of radiation necrosis from treatment for non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma.


So here's my story...By the way, lymphoma is cancer of the lymph nodes.

I used to take the metro from Virginia to Maryland and walked from the metro to work. I guess growing up in pure, clean air and clean water my body didn't know how to respond to car exhaust, poor air quality and bad water. Plus I did alot of travelling late 1999 and early 2000 which only worsened the imbalance in my body.

I got through the treatment protocols with flying colors. But the period afterwards....ayayay! Living in the DC area, 5 minutes from the Pentagon and all the craziness that started in 2001....I saw warning signs of a major tragedy prior to September 11th, just didn't know exactly what it was. All that stress compounded with an ex-boyfriend who was obsessive compulsive and he couldn't cope with all that was going on...I was completely overwhelmed. By October 2002, I started having trouble keeping my balance, kept falling over in hula, got back pains, legs were weakening and feeling numbness around my belly. I was limping badly and eventually lost complete control of my lower extremities. By March 2003 I couldn't stand independently and was sent to a rehab facility whose occupational and physical therapists didn't know what to do with me.

I knew it wasn't a recurrence of the lymphoma, which the doctors confirmed. But only then did I find out that there was damage in the mid-spine (T5-T8) and severe swelling that disrupted the flow of the cerebral spinal fluid in the spinal cord. The swelling did go down, but there was still atrophy and some dead cells. All due to an overdose of radiation. The high dose of medication I was prescribed really did a number on my mental health as well...memory loss, confusion, depression.

For the remainder of 2003 I was mourning the loss of the life I had before the illness. My cats, who were my children, suffered the loss of my presence for the first time in 8 years when I had to arrange for their adoptions and removed from the home they had known for 6 years. I had a lot of pent up frustration and rage towards my ex-boyfriend and all the fear and anxiety he brought into my life.

It was then, and I'm sure you understand this very well, I found out who my true friends were, and the terrific support system I had with my hula friends, computer networking friends, my tai chi and reiki buddies, even some relatives who rarely interacted with me. The big test of the relationships I formed over the years. They passed and the bonds remain strong to this day.

I've been doing physical therapy so have more trunk control and strength. But the quality of the rehab treatment and experience of the therapists leaves a lot to be desired and I've been feeling like I've been floating in limbo.

Doctors and therapists, with the intention of keeping me grounded in their truth and reality, have told me that there is no hope...why do I have leg braces? Why am I still going to rehab? And, although I've just recently found out about hyperbaric oxygen treatment for radiation necrosis (checkout hbotnm.com and hbot4u.com), it's too late.

The oncologist knew about the treatment, but just didn't put two and two together. And, although people's bodies with spinal cord injuries degenerate quickly between 6 months to 2 years, then slowly after that, my oncologist has reported absolutely no change from the initial MRIs 3 years ago! They can't explain why I'm regaining sensation...doesn't mean anything to them.

I know it's the innocent, curious child of the light in me that has wanted to know what pain, suffering, and darkness is about; what its like not to get what you want and ask for. After all, I came from paradise...Palau means 'land of fairy tales'...you're as close to heaven as you can be and still be human. When I was 19, I knew that around the year 2000 there would be a point in my life where I could choose to die...either a literal death, whether by murder or illness, or face the ensuing turmoil and chaos of man's evolution, and possibly lose the familiar and comfortable. I've always known that I'm the 'in-betweener', the one that comes through to hold the energy, and hold the space for the next big era of man. As a very old soul, this is my last lifetime; there are no karmic lessons to learn.

I know enough now. I am ready to go back to fulfillment, abundance, and prosperity. I am ready to WALK away from this cycle.

It's been 4 years after the treatment. Since 2003 I've moved to California, gotten back to practicing Reiki again, lowered my medications, use essential oils with reflexology and accupressure. Lots of meditation, prayer, and subliminal messaging as well. I'm also going through a cleansing and detox program.

All done with the belief that I can change my circumstances, that I can bring forth the right group of people who believe in me and support me in this new cycle towards excellent health.

These experiences have given me the opportunity to study alternative healing, understand the connection between diet and good health, and adopt a new philosophy on long term health.

And, most of all, to connect with communities of positive, uplifting, and committed people who give freely of their gifts in a spirit of hope, love, and fulfillment. These things are the gifts I've been given in abundance. Out of darkness and tragedy comes recovery, rejuvenation, communion, joy and passion.

From this perspective you realize just how important it is to have passion in your life. To find that spark in you, create, and move in the direction of your passion. All the while reaching out to other people and let them be part of your creation.