The Healing Power of Forgiveness

I don't know about you, but I was truly inspired by the response of the Amish community that was rocked by violence and how it is sustained by forgiveness and amazing grace. They buried the 4 girls who were killed and were not calling for revenge. Instead they were preaching something much different - forgiveness... like the grandfather who forgave the gunman and his family.

They've held on to a steadfast belief in forgiveness, even for a man who targeted their children. One man who spoke for the community in Pennsylvania said, "Even though there's been this terrible thing that's happened, we don't need to think about judgement, we need to think about forgiveness and moving on. "

The Amish have norms, processes, and practices which start at childhood that, in asking for forgiveness it must be granted.

There are small steps along the way in your life that prepare you for larger traumatic moments. If you think you could forgive at only those traumatic moments, then you really won't be able to forgive.

It's not simply about being religious or spiritual, because we all have deep within us that longing for connection with other people. It is human nature to have a profound yearning to forgive because forgiveness is really about reconnecting to other people.

Although it is a messy process in practicing forgiveness, you can attain levels of forgiving at the more traumatic moments by beginning with smaller, less traumatic moments that occur in everyday life.

According to Rabbi Irwin Kula in his book, Yearning: Embracing the Sacred Messiness of Life, it is about the depth of your understanding and the ability to imagine the full story of a person's life who has commited a wrongful act, all the pain and humiliation they must have suffered. It is possible to see from a larger perspective that you can have compassion.

There is significant evidence that forgiveness is important to people, particularly as a physical benefit. People who forgive show fewer signs of depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress.

Practicing forgiveness all along the way must begin as a child in small steps that prepare one at a larger level to offer forgiveness.

Here are some tips in practicing forgiveness.

Separate Condoning from Forgiveness

They are two very different things! Do no get tripped up on this. Forgiving does not mean you are condoning the behavior, that's it's somehow acceptable because it's not.

Acknowledge the Pain

Talk about the grief, fear and anxiety with a therapist, a religious leader, or someone you love and care about in a safe space.

Forgiveness is a tremendous act of power and control,
NOT WEAKNESS

Be empowered by letting go. We tend to think we have no control and that revenge and the grudge is what gives us control when in actuality the opposite is true. Paradoxically, we gain more control when we follow through on being able to forgive.

Forgiveness is the MOST PROFOUND HEALING POWER

It releases a person from the need to relive a trauma again and again and again.

For example, a woman named Abigail recounts her experience with forgiveness when her daughter, Katherine, was violently stabbed by a stranger. Even after the killer was sent to death, Abigail was consumed by anger, rage, and lusting for revenge for years.

She had no relief until more than a decade later when she wrote Katherine's killer. She pointed out her surprise that she could forgive and that it did not mean that she thought the killer was innocent or blameless.

The instant she put the letter in the mailbox, all the anger, rage and ugliness she carried in her body for 12 long years was GONE.

It was a moment that changed her life.